someone in my family died today, last month me and a few family members went to say one last goodbye to her-i'm so happy we did. I was so scared and i was more or less having a panic/anxiety attack but thanks to the people there made me feel safe. It was weird, i saw this person, this person who i've seen my whole life as a strong person- so weak. She didn't look like herself at all and i was scared that it was this way i would remember her, but it's not. I remember her as a person who cared about what i did, everytime we went to her she asked how school was going, if i saw someone at the time (even though i was very young, i guess it was normal for her). She sang with me. She like it, she said i was good. I remember my mom and i sitting at her place and i just sang, she smiled and listen. She sang very good when she was young and my mom always say i got my singing voice from her. (keep in mind; i am not saying i'm good at it, but she was) she sang songs in her language and taught me! When i was little i visited her a lot but when the years past, it became less. She lost her son and he was like her world, my dad. When i saw her after that she wanted to speak a lot about him and i just didn't want to hear it at that time- i was weak. She started to talk less swedish so i didn't understand her. One or two year ago me and my sister went to visit her and she had to think twice about who i was, that hurt and the only one i have to blame is myself.
She became very sick and both me and my sister wanted to say goodbye, wanted to see her one last time. I talked about how we went with a few family members and i loved that day, i loved spending time with the side of my family i never see. Today when my mom told me she died, i became blank. i didn't know how to feel, should i cry? should i be happy that her pain is over and she's with my dad now? should i feel regret for not being there more times in the end? did i do enough? At first i didn't cry, but when i went to tell my grandmom about it the tears came, i huged her so hard- i love my grandmom so much. Then i went back to the tv room, i wanted to be alone. The tears came and went and i just felt tired. my head hurt and i didn't want to speak about it. When i got home i was scared my mom would want to speak to me about it but she just said that this was the best thing for her, the last past month had been super hard. I think she understood that i don't want to speak about it so she didn't bug me, i love her for that. I went to my bed and i started to think. I didn't want to make a big thing out of this because of not being super close with her, but i can't help to feel sad. i did my workout but i didn't feel like doing it a 100% but i did it. All i could think of was, should i be more sad? should i not care as much as i do? I still don't know how to feel, thinking back at it i get sad, i cry, i let it out.
My mind is a very weird place. The one thing i can do is to write, like now. I let all my thoughts out and i feel better. Right now i'm sad yes because i'm thinking back at everything, but i'm going to feel better later i know that. i think that i hasn't really a 100% got to me that she's dead.
I also know that i'm strong, i got this. Maybe this will make the family come back together? the last death tore us apart in a way, i guess it's because we all handle grief in different ways, but as i said; we hung out, me any family and i loved every second of it, i think the goal is to have it like that all the time.
I'll talk to you later, i like writing like this, thanks weebly.