I wanted to talk about something i've been thinking about a lot lately.
I talked about how i started to like my body and my vitiligo and everything a few months ago, and i didn't lie. I felt happy about the way i looked and i was confident about my spots, i liked them, i liked being unique.
this awesome feeling comes and goes, i guess it takes a long time to learn to love yourself and love what you got going on, what i'm trying to say is that i had a bit of a step back i guess. I still feel happy about my body but it's not like the other month.
I compare myself to people that are nothing like me, noone is like me so why should i compare me and what i got to what they have? why should i feel like what i got is bad because they have something "better"? Maybe that thing isn't better but i see it as better because i don't have it, you feel me? I think a lot of people want everything they can't have. I know that my life would be so much easier if i could just accept how i look and just rock it, i know that being confident makes a lot of different, it doesn't matter how you look, if you're confident with who you are everyone else is going to see it. But when i think about it, should it matter? should it matter how you look? Why do people judge you on the way you look before they get to know you? i do this, i know i do.
I think we live in the time and place where if you don't look like the "perfect" girl or boy then you're ugly, like, oh you have a little bit more fat on your body? that's wrong, oh you have scars? that's wrong. oh you're skinny? that is also wrong! this could go on forever, i know that i've been thinking that "if i was skinny, everything would be better, people would like me, boys would love me, i would love me" and i'm very sad to admit that. One thing i've notice is that if you're not happy when you start losing weight, you're not going to feel any better when you've lost it. Like i've lost the weight but the thoughts are still there. I still see my skinnier friends having everything i want and feeling like if i just lose a little bit more, if i get a banging body then i'll be happy. I know that it's not the case, i also don't want to be super skinny, i want to have curves, boobs, butt and maybe even a little bit of a belly? i want to have a skinny waist but not too skinny, i don't want to get to the point where you can see my bones because that's not what i want at all, you know. Give a dog a bone and he'll be happy- give a dog a bone with meat on it and you'll have a much happier dog.
that can be seen as rude because 1; i'm saying that skinny girls are not right, it's not like that though, i said this to feel good about myself, if i sit and think about skinny is better i'll have a bigger step back, the first thing i need to change is my mind. 2; i called boys (or girls??) dogs, i am sorry you're not a dog.
One more thing about weight: one thing i need to accept is that i'm not fat, i need to stop telling myself that i am, this just got to me-while writing this. If i keep saying that i'm fat and that i'm huge and that i look like i did before- i'm going to believe it more and more, i'm going to hurt myself both mentally and my body doing everythign i can to get "skinny". i need to stop looking at my body then at my friends who are smaller, that's their bodies and this is mine, i'm not fat and i might not be super skinny, but i really just need to understand how i look, somehow.
Now to the whole vitiligo thing, i'm scared people- boys to be exakt, will judge me on how i look, i don't know how i would take it if a boy saw me without you know, things to cover me up, and said something about it, that would hurt me so bad. i've been lucky, i haven't gotten anything like that, i've gotten more that they think it's "unique and sexy" but it still scares me. If i meet someone new and i know where it's leading i'm super scared. i have to explain everything and this makes me not wanting to do something once with someone and not care anymore, i mean it's kind of good- i don't want to be a slut hahah (not saying that you're a slut if you hook up a lot, whatever floats your boat) but i feel like i want to talk to someone about it, but noone will understand how it is. A lot of people go out to meet people, to have fun and who knows? maybe get a litte somethin' somethin' ;) but if i did that, i'd had to explain it and what if i forgot it? what would he say? as i said, that would hurt so much. *i'm not saying i'm like omg i want sex, it's more just thinking about it, not even about the whole sex thing, it's about people seeing my body without anything covering it up*
this was good, i feel good. i need to write more things like this! i'll see you guys later :)
I talked about how i started to like my body and my vitiligo and everything a few months ago, and i didn't lie. I felt happy about the way i looked and i was confident about my spots, i liked them, i liked being unique.
this awesome feeling comes and goes, i guess it takes a long time to learn to love yourself and love what you got going on, what i'm trying to say is that i had a bit of a step back i guess. I still feel happy about my body but it's not like the other month.
I compare myself to people that are nothing like me, noone is like me so why should i compare me and what i got to what they have? why should i feel like what i got is bad because they have something "better"? Maybe that thing isn't better but i see it as better because i don't have it, you feel me? I think a lot of people want everything they can't have. I know that my life would be so much easier if i could just accept how i look and just rock it, i know that being confident makes a lot of different, it doesn't matter how you look, if you're confident with who you are everyone else is going to see it. But when i think about it, should it matter? should it matter how you look? Why do people judge you on the way you look before they get to know you? i do this, i know i do.
I think we live in the time and place where if you don't look like the "perfect" girl or boy then you're ugly, like, oh you have a little bit more fat on your body? that's wrong, oh you have scars? that's wrong. oh you're skinny? that is also wrong! this could go on forever, i know that i've been thinking that "if i was skinny, everything would be better, people would like me, boys would love me, i would love me" and i'm very sad to admit that. One thing i've notice is that if you're not happy when you start losing weight, you're not going to feel any better when you've lost it. Like i've lost the weight but the thoughts are still there. I still see my skinnier friends having everything i want and feeling like if i just lose a little bit more, if i get a banging body then i'll be happy. I know that it's not the case, i also don't want to be super skinny, i want to have curves, boobs, butt and maybe even a little bit of a belly? i want to have a skinny waist but not too skinny, i don't want to get to the point where you can see my bones because that's not what i want at all, you know. Give a dog a bone and he'll be happy- give a dog a bone with meat on it and you'll have a much happier dog.
that can be seen as rude because 1; i'm saying that skinny girls are not right, it's not like that though, i said this to feel good about myself, if i sit and think about skinny is better i'll have a bigger step back, the first thing i need to change is my mind. 2; i called boys (or girls??) dogs, i am sorry you're not a dog.
One more thing about weight: one thing i need to accept is that i'm not fat, i need to stop telling myself that i am, this just got to me-while writing this. If i keep saying that i'm fat and that i'm huge and that i look like i did before- i'm going to believe it more and more, i'm going to hurt myself both mentally and my body doing everythign i can to get "skinny". i need to stop looking at my body then at my friends who are smaller, that's their bodies and this is mine, i'm not fat and i might not be super skinny, but i really just need to understand how i look, somehow.
Now to the whole vitiligo thing, i'm scared people- boys to be exakt, will judge me on how i look, i don't know how i would take it if a boy saw me without you know, things to cover me up, and said something about it, that would hurt me so bad. i've been lucky, i haven't gotten anything like that, i've gotten more that they think it's "unique and sexy" but it still scares me. If i meet someone new and i know where it's leading i'm super scared. i have to explain everything and this makes me not wanting to do something once with someone and not care anymore, i mean it's kind of good- i don't want to be a slut hahah (not saying that you're a slut if you hook up a lot, whatever floats your boat) but i feel like i want to talk to someone about it, but noone will understand how it is. A lot of people go out to meet people, to have fun and who knows? maybe get a litte somethin' somethin' ;) but if i did that, i'd had to explain it and what if i forgot it? what would he say? as i said, that would hurt so much. *i'm not saying i'm like omg i want sex, it's more just thinking about it, not even about the whole sex thing, it's about people seeing my body without anything covering it up*
this was good, i feel good. i need to write more things like this! i'll see you guys later :)
i will make a post about this soon:
i'm so proud.
i'm so proud.